Saturday, August 13, 2011

Alcohol and Its Effect on the Stupid Gay Man

As I sit here drinking my ritualistic morning coffee, three gallons to be precise, I get nostalgic-not in a good way-of how many times I've tried to subdue a hangover with about ten gallons of coffee after a night of dealing with these stupid gay men. After the regret, embarrassment, and terror of what I've done the previous night have diminished, I begin to recall the plethora of stupid gay men I encountered the night before.

Having spent the summer in the Big Apple, I've learned much, much more than I wanted to learn about the stupid gay man. I've learned that each night can be filled with men who surpass the previous night's men by leaps and bounds. They are similar to those stupid deer who jump in front of your car, total it, and sometimes prance away unscathed. While many times deer do not survive, these dumbass gay men seem to flounce away from the car wreck they have caused with a smile on their face, trailing rainbow glitter behind then, and disappearing into the darkness with one final hair toss. 

Alcohol causes this. While these gay men are stupid to the Nth degree on their own, alcohol exponentially increases the acts of terror idiotic gay men do. They hit on men they shouldn't in ways they shouldn't while doing things that a decent human being would never consider doing.

I don't care if gay culture says that grabbing my ass, crotch, or any other private sector of my body without my permission is okay. In my book, unless I give you written consent to perform these actions, you stupid gay men need to keep your goddamn hands to yourself. They have the mentality of a five-old-with his first hamster. They squeeze, poke, prod, strangle, drop, and throw the poor thing until it, unfortunately, dies. It's sad to say that this all happens in a matter of days. The stupid gay man has gotten this down to a science so that in the span of a few moments one has had almost all of their orifices poked and prodded, nipples tweaked, asses slapped, and packages grabbed with such force that you want to drop-kick said stupid gay man (SGM) so he feels the pain that my balls do.

This seems to be a common occurrence because it happens all the time. It has become the norm, but IT SHOULD NOT BE. I blame the mixture of alcohol and SGM in the world. Remove one of the two and you eliminate the problem. Booze are a girl's best friend so the logical answer is clear. You stop the stupidity of the gay man, and voila, you have yourself a better world.

Also, I want to say that this is not some plot to rid the world of gay men in any sense. Without gay men I would have no way to have sex. Nor would I be able to find a husband, have a family, and live in a house with a white picket fence.

This blog's intention is to enlighten.

Now is the time when I have had about half of my coffee and my bladder can no longer contain the amount of coffee I have poured down my gullet. Until the next piece of advice on how to deal with Stupid Gay Men, do your best to ENLIGHTEN as many gay men as you can muster.


Friday, August 12, 2011

It's Raining Stupid Gay Men

As I sit here listening to It's Raining Men from Priscilla: Queen of the Desert the musical I am reminded of how one must avoid stupid gay men. Literally, there are times when it rains men except they're stupid gay men instead of tall, dark, and handsome men. Especially when you're out and about on the town and it gets to the point where you can't swing a dead cat by the tail without hitting about ten stupid gay men. GAY BARS ARE BREEDING GROUNDS FOR STUPID GAY MEN.

This is, in a nutshell, is how you deal with or get rid of a stupid gay man.

1. Observe
2. Find Weakness
3. Exploit Weakness

You MUST find out the weakness of your stupid gay man. This is an absolute necessity because it is the only soft spot that a gay man has in his impenetrable facade of glitter, makeup, sass, impeccable taste, and sex appeal.

Once said weakness is found, exploit it. A lot of gay men have many insecurities, but there is always ONE that will ensure success. A few examples are looks, waist size, trouser-snake size, and what position they are in bed.

Find this and you can get rid of your stupid gay man in no time.


Fucking Listen

Dear Reader,

If you are reading this, you are either a stupid gay man or you are dealing with a stupid gay man. Here's the deal. I am sick and tired of watching stupid gay men and their stupid shenanigans. They really need to be brought into the open and exposed for what they are in order to be brought to justice.

I, myself, am a gay man and this is acceptable. I am judging my own kind and I find myself among the rare few who can all themselves a NOT stupid gay man. While this may seem like a stupid topic to talk about, it isn't. There are many out there who are scared to point out stupid gay men. It's true. We gays are VERY, VERY, VERY scary. We own all of the best restaurants, arts, and real estate. It's intimidating to say the least.

During the life of this blog, I will do my freakin' best to bring the Stupid Gay Man into the light by giving advice to those of you who are reading this that need to get rid of THEIR stupid gay man.

That's all for this first entry. I wanted to have an outline for you all so you know what to expect.