Saturday, August 13, 2011

Alcohol and Its Effect on the Stupid Gay Man

As I sit here drinking my ritualistic morning coffee, three gallons to be precise, I get nostalgic-not in a good way-of how many times I've tried to subdue a hangover with about ten gallons of coffee after a night of dealing with these stupid gay men. After the regret, embarrassment, and terror of what I've done the previous night have diminished, I begin to recall the plethora of stupid gay men I encountered the night before.

Having spent the summer in the Big Apple, I've learned much, much more than I wanted to learn about the stupid gay man. I've learned that each night can be filled with men who surpass the previous night's men by leaps and bounds. They are similar to those stupid deer who jump in front of your car, total it, and sometimes prance away unscathed. While many times deer do not survive, these dumbass gay men seem to flounce away from the car wreck they have caused with a smile on their face, trailing rainbow glitter behind then, and disappearing into the darkness with one final hair toss. 

Alcohol causes this. While these gay men are stupid to the Nth degree on their own, alcohol exponentially increases the acts of terror idiotic gay men do. They hit on men they shouldn't in ways they shouldn't while doing things that a decent human being would never consider doing.

I don't care if gay culture says that grabbing my ass, crotch, or any other private sector of my body without my permission is okay. In my book, unless I give you written consent to perform these actions, you stupid gay men need to keep your goddamn hands to yourself. They have the mentality of a five-old-with his first hamster. They squeeze, poke, prod, strangle, drop, and throw the poor thing until it, unfortunately, dies. It's sad to say that this all happens in a matter of days. The stupid gay man has gotten this down to a science so that in the span of a few moments one has had almost all of their orifices poked and prodded, nipples tweaked, asses slapped, and packages grabbed with such force that you want to drop-kick said stupid gay man (SGM) so he feels the pain that my balls do.

This seems to be a common occurrence because it happens all the time. It has become the norm, but IT SHOULD NOT BE. I blame the mixture of alcohol and SGM in the world. Remove one of the two and you eliminate the problem. Booze are a girl's best friend so the logical answer is clear. You stop the stupidity of the gay man, and voila, you have yourself a better world.

Also, I want to say that this is not some plot to rid the world of gay men in any sense. Without gay men I would have no way to have sex. Nor would I be able to find a husband, have a family, and live in a house with a white picket fence.

This blog's intention is to enlighten.

Now is the time when I have had about half of my coffee and my bladder can no longer contain the amount of coffee I have poured down my gullet. Until the next piece of advice on how to deal with Stupid Gay Men, do your best to ENLIGHTEN as many gay men as you can muster.

-Bryce


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